Democratic Party in Therapy

🧠 Therapist's Opening Notes

"Well, well… the Democratic Party has arrived again, clutching a stack of poll numbers and a stack of excuses. Let’s talk."

🛋️ The Problem: A Podium Without Qualifications

Therapist: "You keep giving microphones to people who haven’t even led a lemonade stand, let alone a state. Presidential candidates with no executive experience? You put them on stage next to governors and Cabinet officials? That’s malpractice. Would you hire a motivational speaker to fly a 747?"

Suggested Rule:

🧾 Minimum Requirement for Debate Eligibility:
- Must have held an executive office (Governor, Cabinet Secretary, Mayor of a city over 250,000).
- OR, have led a legislative body (e.g., Senate Majority Leader, House Whip).
🚫 Former interns and podcast darlings need not apply.

🛋️ On Groupthink and Faction-Feeding

Therapist: "You let micro-factions run the message like it’s a student council election. Everyone’s demanding purity tests instead of results. It’s not progressive—it’s paralyzing."

Diagnosis: 🧠 Woke Groupthink Syndrome (WGS)

Symptoms:

- Reflexive apologies to everyone
- Legislation-by-hashtag
- Endless infighting over phrasing while opponents dismantle institutions

Prescription:

- Cognitive Coalitioning Therapy — Learn to disagree strategically, not existentially.
- Media Messaging Boot Camp — One party, one microphone. No freelancing.

🛋️ Age and the Democratic Dinosaur Exhibit

Therapist: "Some of you have been running for office since the Cold War. This isn’t elder abuse—it’s political malpractice. If the retirement age is 67, why are you running at 87?"

Proposed Reforms:

🧪 Cognitive and Policy Proficiency Test for any candidate over 70.
🦕 Democratic Dinosaur Hall of Fame: Honoring, not enabling, the elders.

Quote for the Wall: "If you can’t text without your glasses, you can’t tweet foreign policy."

🛋️ On Letting Unqualified Candidates “Try Their Best”

Therapist: "You let Pete back in again. He’s charismatic, sure. But he’s leapfrogging responsibilities like it's a video game. Cabinet role? Yes. Governor? Sure. President? 🚫 Not yet."

Remedy:

- Experience Track System – Like belts in martial arts. Must earn your rank.
- Host Party Primaries Bootcamp – You want the presidency? Learn to run a state first.

🛋️ On Wolves and Cats

Therapist: "The other party? Wolves. Coordinated. Messaging in sync. Ruthless. You? Herds of cats. Precious. Beautiful. Loud. Uncoordinated. Every time the GOP barks, you hiss at each other."

Treatment Plan:

🧭 Unified Messaging Doctrine — 10 talking points. Memorize them.
🐾 Pack Mentality Coaching — Learn when to run together.

🛋️ Brain Surgery for the Base (Metaphorically Speaking)

Therapist: "You need to open the skull of your culture and remove the ‘everyone gets a trophy’ cortex. You’re not running a festival. You’re trying to save democracy."

Surgical Interventions:

🛑 Remove: Eternal Primarying Lobe
🔧 Rewire: The Candidate Fantasy Center
🧬 Upgrade: Realism Receptors in the Vision Cortex

🛋️ Final Prescription from the Couch

✅ Require executive experience for presidential candidates
✅ Conduct competency and coherence screenings
✅ Limit platform to qualified, electable adults
✅ End message sabotage from rogue micro-factions
✅ Embrace strategy like wolves, not self-indulgence like cats

🎭 Closing Thought

“If you want to save democracy, start by learning how to run your own party.”